OK, it's time to tell you guys about the last guy I was with. I’m not going to lie, we had our share of disagreements from the start, and I wasn’t really sure how long we would last. We came from two totally different lifestyles, so it was a journey to figure each other out.
We met on a dating app and hit it off instantly. He made me laugh, and made me feel beautiful. There’s no doubt in my mind that he didn’t want to make me happy, but he had some stuff. He had baggage that he hadn’t been able to let go of. I had the same kind of baggage when I was younger, so I understood in a sense. Very often, women will see their partners' worth even when they don’t see it for themselves. We make it our mission to make them see it and try to "fix" them.
He’d been in horrible relationships, had unfortunate things happen to him as a kid, and was in the Marines. His trust in people is dead. But he’s such a sweet guy. I wanted so desperately for him to see that there’s a different way to protect yourself from disappointment and hurt. But every time I tried, it felt like I was being ignored. The damage was rooted too deeply.
With trust issues come insecurities. He began to get insecure when I would go out for ladies' night and blow my phone up while I was out.
It was cute the first couple of times because I just thought he was really into me, but after it started happening every night when I didn’t answer the phone or didn’t reply to a text, that’s when it started rubbing me the wrong way.
His actions and outlook on life drained my positive energy. I would exert my energy trying to help him see things in a different way. You don’t get that energy back that you give to others, so the fact that I was giving it and it was being wasted was aggravating. Soon, his negativity started rubbing off on me, and I found myself, on multiple occasions, having to keep myself from going to the dark side.
Ya’ll know how I am about energy and making sure you protect it! At that point, I felt my energy was being compromised. I soon, in the kindest way possible, went off on him. I mean, the guy was still fragile. I wanted to help him, not hinder him. I kindly told him how I felt about how he was handling his trauma and how it was affecting me. After going back and forth, I told him I needed some space.
A few weeks later, I needed help moving out of my place, and I hit him up to ask for help. He seemed like he was a different person; he seemed lighter... I got him lunch to thank him. We talked; he expressed his feelings, as did I. After that, we took it a day at a time and came back together. I felt like we were stronger. It was nice...
But then he fell back into old habits. I didn’t want to distance myself from myself, but I felt like I had to. That was not the energy I was used to being around, especially in a relationship. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, and I know who I am and what I deserve. I felt like I was going backwards.
But I saw the potential in what our relationship could have been. That’s what I’m holding on to as I let him go. Because I know in my gut that if he could get past his trust issues and change his energy, he would be the best partner. But how long was I willing to hold out for that to happen? I didn’t want to hurt him and make him think he’s not deserving of love, but I just didn’t think right now was the time for us. At the end of the day, I also had to think about myself and my growth.
Although I was unhappy, I mostly wanted him to take the time to forgive his past, heal from it, and learn to love himself first. It would have been selfish of me to ignore that he had deeper things going on. I know first-hand how important mental health is and how it can impact your life. He has to start that journey to a healthier mindset.
Unlike in Beauty and the Beast, where Belle was able to change the Beast for the better, I had to learn that that would not always be the outcome. I can't fix anybody, but what I can do is be there for him in support while he goes through his journey.
-MB