Communication, communication, communication.
Communication is the main key to every relationship, sexual or not. If you cannot clearly and honestly express yourself in a healthy way, issues will arise.
Think of communication as the heart of relationships. Once healthy communication is built, it creates a rhythm between you and that person, like a heart beat. When you have a strong rhythm, everything flows naturally throughout the relationship. But if communication starts to faulter, it disturbs the rhythm, which in turn affects the natural flow of future communication. If the flow stops, the communication soon stops.
So I am constantly working on my communication skills. Not just because everyone communicates in different ways, so it’s everchanging, but also, and mainly, because my communication is still a work in progress. I'm trying to zoom in on certain aspects of communication that I feel I could do better at.
I noticed in my previous relationship and other situations after that I tried to avoid communicating face to-face. This doesn’t pertain to every situation; only the ones where disappointment or confrontation is a possibility. I do not do well with either.
I’ve always been this way. I don’t like to disappoint or be disappointed by people I care about. It’s the same with confrontation. I don’t want to argue with people I care about. But these are things that are bound to happen in any relationship, and I have to figure out how to work through them.
I would try to have serious conversations through text, which always ended up in misunderstanding and miscommunication. Communication through text should not be used for serious matters. Tone gets lost in text messages. When you read a text, you are guessing the tone the message was sent in. The chances of you taking the message the wrong way are really high and it usually ends up making things worse.
It’s not what you say that's important, but how you say it. Tone is a major key to healthy communication. Your tone sets the vibe of how the conversation will go and the response you will receive. When communicating in any relationship, you have to try to keep a healthy understanding tone. Using this kind of tone shows you are coming from a place of caring and truly want to understand and find a resolution.
A tone that has frustration, irritation, and aggression behind it automatically makes me shut down. This kind of tone is one of the reasons why I avoid face-to-face communication. It doesn’t show that you are coming from a caring place or wanting to understand, but from a negative place. This negative tone will only have a negative outcome. Being that I don’t like confrontation, dealing with someone who communicates negatively causes me to avoid it all together. Negative communication leaves toxic energy lingering in the relationship.
Accepting what a person is feeling is a big part of healthy communication too. If you’ve found someone who is honest about their feelings, whatever they may be, you have to be able to accept them. They are feeling those feelings for a reason. Listen and try to understand why they feel that way. Push through the feelings of hurt, disappointment, confusion, etc., and focus on understanding and finding a solution.
I’ve been giving myself small communication challenges to help me step outside my comfort zone. I want to be more comfortable with those conversations that aren’t so comfortable. I’m paying attention to my tone and being more aware of the other person's tone. I am learning to accept that this person has feelings just like I do and that they may be valid. My job is to listen, process, and try to resolve.
Communication has to evolve into healthy communication over time. It doesn’t start off healthy and it definitely doesn’t happen over night. You have to work separately and together with your partner to perfect the flow of communication. Once you create that flow, like water, it will conform. As you each evolve and change in life, so will your communication.
-MB