Relationships between best friends of the opposite sex can be tricky. It’s less tricky while dating, but still tricky because at what point do you tell them? To add another layer to the problem, what if you and that best friend have had sexual relations before? Do you tell them that part? Ay yi yi.
Me and my girlfriends were talking about this last week. There are a few levels to having friends of the opposite sex.
You have a basic friend with whom you only speak once in a while. This may be a work friend or a friend through a friend. You guys do not have each other's numbers; you only talk in social settings. More like associates, right?
Then you have your best friend. You see this person more often. You guys may not work together, but you do get together every once in awhile. This person knows most of your personal business. You confide in them and seek advice sometimes, and they do the same with you. You care about this person enough to be there if they need you. Normal best friend activity.
Last, you have the best friendship-ituation. These relationships are hard to explain. With this best friend, you’ve just so happened to have had sexual relations in the past. You have the same relationship as you would with your best friend, but this best friend has helped you out in the past when you were in a "sex drought". There are no feelings attached; it doesn’t happen all the time; just helping each other out.
Me and my male best friend would be in the last category. We have been friends for over ten years and have been through a lot together. During these 10 plus years, we have been known to help each other out in sex emergency situations. When sex does happen, we see that situation for what it is: sex. We respect each other and our friendship enough not to make things complicated.
That same respect flows over to when we are in relationships. We respect each other's significant others and keep our distance. Well, that’s more for my relationships than it is for his. He’s polyamorous, so he's used to having multiple relationships. On the other hand, I'm a one-man kind of woman, so once I’m in a relationship, he knows to respect it.
But how do I explain our relationship to the man I’m dating?
Be up-front in the beginning! That's the only way to do it, in my opinion. When the person you’re dating asks about your friends, include that friend in there. That’ll put the bug in their ear, and they should appreciate you letting them know from the start. It will also give them the opportunity to ask questions.
When they ask, and they will ask, if you guys have ever done anything sexual, be honest. Your past is your truth and should not be held over your head. They can’t say they didn’t know or that you didn’t tell them in the future. It is up to them if they want to continue dating you after that.
If you do continue, there should be a discussion on the boundaries between you and your friend. If you are serious about the person you’re dating, you will respect the boundaries they set just as they respect your honesty about your friendship. You don’t want to lose one of your best friends, and you also don't want to lose a potential good partner.
Transparent honesty, trust and the will to compromise are what this situation comes down to. If you’re honest in the beginning, you’ll build a certain level of trust that you haven’t unlocked yet in your relationship. And from there, you can compromise on what’s acceptable in your friendship and what may make your partner uncomfortable.
-MB