I recently went through something that made me realize I have not been practicing what I preach. I told you guys to fight for what you deserve, but what I didn’t tell you is how you should act when you get it. I was finally treated the way I deserved and was loving it until... well, let me just get into what happened.
As you read, I want you to keep in mind that me and said guy weren’t even dating for 2 weeks! How did he get me into my feelings in less than two weeks? The fuck...
Anyway...
We met through a dating app, and the conversation instantly took off running. There were no stops or questions about where we were headed; it was just smooth conversation. We were different but similar in so many ways! The conversation reminded me of one I'd have with an old friend, as if we’d met each other in a past life and were just catching up.
Through text, he made me laugh with his wit. He would keep me smiling with how happy he was to be getting to know me. So I was very excited when he said he wanted to meet up. Even though he didn’t feel like a stranger, I was nervous to see if the energy would transfer over when we met.
And it did! We went to his favorite bar, got some food and drinks, and talked for a couple of hours. After we were finished, we went back to his house to watch some Netflix. We cuddled up on the couch. He waited till a little later to snag a kiss. And what a kiss it was! You could tell he was a passionate guy.
Soon after the first date, came the second. On the third meetup, I met two of his friends to play Rock Band. I was surprised. I was already meeting friends, but I just figured he was excited to show me off. We definitely had a good time and seemed very appreciative of my coming.
A couple dates later, and I had met his cousin, best friend, and a few other people he hangs with. The vibes, for me, were so strong. I was feeling this man a lot. In such a short time, he made me feel like I was already his. He was giving me what I needed; time, support, affection, consistency, etc.
Then one day, I decided I wanted to treat him to dinner. He had never been taken on a date before, so I wanted to take him. I planned it out and gave him the details. He seemed excited about being treated.
I arrive at his house on the night of dinner wearing a sexy black dress and black heels. Topped off with an ombre dark red lip, I was serving looks! He saw me and immediately said that I looked beautiful. We went to a fancy Italian restaurant, talked, laughed, and enjoyed dinner together. Afterwards, we were both so tired from the night before and work that we went to bed.
Then things started getting weird.
The next morning, we had breakfast, and I didn’t sense anything different then. But after we parted ways, his actions began to change. He started leaving my messages on read for long periods of time. He stopped sending emojis, I know this is an odd thing to notice, but I notice all changes, big or small. He hadn’t even asked me to come over or anything!
A part of me always has to assume I’m overthinking. I tried to ignore what was happening, telling myself it was temporary because he had a lot going on in his personal life. But after another day or two of the same treatment, I had to say something. I asked if "I did something to make him uncomfortable." To which he replied, "I had not made him uncomfortable and the week had just been very overwhelming for him." I didn’t argue, I just said, "Ok, just making sure I didn’t do anything wrong."
I continued on with my day, believing what he told me. I was sure everything would work itself out. Then he sent me a text message basically telling me he wasn’t ready to date like he thought he was. What the fuck?
So many emotions went through me, but mostly disappointment. This is what I was sensing when things didn’t feel right! I felt this coming but chose to ignore it. Not because I convinced myself I was overthinking, but because I didn’t want my intuition to be right this time.
I could have prepared myself for this. I mean, I tried, but I did a bad job. I asked the wrong question. But now I understand why. I asked the wrong question because I didn’t want to hear the right answer. The real answer, the truth.
My emotions were everywhere. I was mad, confused, disappointed, etc. I wanted to lash out at him and demand answers. Tell him you can’t lift someone up just to drop them without warning! But instead, I simply responded, "I appreciate your honesty. Thank you. " Because after my emotions had settled, I realized that it’s not my place to understand. Just because he realized he was not ready to date does not mean what happened between us was a lie. I know firsthand that sometimes you don’t know if you’re really ready for something until you try it. I can confidently say he gave me his best shot.
I believe he wanted so badly to be ready to date but wasn’t ready for the commitment part. He told me once during a conversation that he never wanted to force a relationship again after his last relationship. Maybe he realized he was forcing himself to be ready to commit?
Now I’m not naive. I realize there’s also a chance that all this is bullshit and he just didn’t like me! But, none of his prior actions led me to believe that that could possibly be the reason. His actions seem too genuine to be meaningless.
It was those actions, that genuineness, and most importantly, his honesty that drew me to him. And it’s for those same reasons that I was crushed when he told me his truth. No one before had made me feel that way about myself.
I had tunnel vision for that week and a half we dated. That is where I messed up. If there were red flags, I didn’t see them, nor was I paying attention to them. I let my feelings run wild without caution.
And for what reason, because he was treating and giving me what I deserved in the first place?
I have to learn how to be treated the way I deserve. I got lost in his actions because I was finally being treated the way I deserved. No one had ever come that close to giving me what I needed in a relationship, so I was completely smitten rather quickly. I have to accept that’s what I deserve and appreciate the treatment without losing myself.
When you know what you deserve, don’t lose yourself when you get it. Be calm, cool and collect! Collect what you’re deserving of. It isn’t special treatment, it’s your normal. From here on out, being treated the way I deserve doesn’t impress me. It is now my everyday normal expectation. The way it should have been
-MB