Quarantine Mind Games

Wheww! I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything, but I think we're all trying to stay sane during this quarantine. I’ve been homeschooling my son while at the same time spending time with Mr. Perfect. Speaking of which, I’m in kind of a weird space right now when it comes to my feelings for him. With all of this free time, my mind is overthinking everything! But let me try to explain...

As you all know, my last relationship ended after 6 years. I thought for sure we’d be together forever. Blah, blah, blah... when you’re with someone for that long, you hope that’s who you'll end up with in the end, and then things fall apart. After that happened, I lost hope in love, marriage, and partnership in general. Everything I thought I knew about love and relationships turned out to be kind of bullshit!

Now that I’m dating someone new, we’re spending so much time together and talking about future plans. I’m actually growing a relationship with this man, which is exciting but also makes me nervous. Everything I knew about love had basically blown up in my face in the past. I went to the dark side for a while after my breakup; I stopped believing in fairy tale endings and all that lovey-dovey nonsense, and I became cold-hearted. So I’m, in a way, starting fresh with finding out what love and being in a healthy relationship are.

Mr. Perfect and I have been dating for 3 months now. Though we haven’t been dating long, I know my feelings for him are real. This is the first serious relationship since coming out of the dark side. The realness of these feelings has me in a confused state of mind. I’ve forgotten how to categorize my feelings and emotions. I used to be able to put a "label" or "tag" on them. I knew when I just liked someone and when those feelings were something more. That’s when I thought I knew something about love and happiness. I've never questioned my feelings before. I’m usually so confident, but now I think I may be in love, and my past has got me questioning if these feelings are really real.

If I'm being honest with you and myself, I can't blame everything on my past. I still have that feeling that this is all just too good to be true. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying the moment and enjoying this man so much. He is the complete opposite of my ex. He doesn’t just say he cares about me, he shows that he cares. He’s sweet and affectionate, the perfect gentleman. Plus, the sex is consistently amazing. Doesn’t every woman have that feeling of doubt sometimes?

All I’m saying is, I don’t want all that to cloud my judgement. I worry that since this relationship is the complete opposite of my last, I worry that that may be steering my feelings. This is a new world for me! What if I’m falling in love with the scenery without considering what’s deeper?

I told a friend of mine that I’ve been waiting for us to have our first argument or disagreement. I’m curious to see how we work through it... put our growing "perfect" relationship to the test. People show their truest colors when they are upset. I feel that will solidify my feelings...I will not be blinded by the affection and great sex... Am I a fool for thinking our first quarrel will solidify that our feelings are real, that our connection is real, and that our relationship is indeed real?

Will this confirm that I am indeed in love? HAH! I’m not that naive...I don’t expect a disagreement to let me know if I love someone or not. I’m hoping it will pop the happy bubble I’ve been living in and let me see if the feelings I have are real or if I'm just loving the scenery. Once the bubble is popped, I’ll be able to see things for what they are instead of what I want to see.

We shall see.

-MB