We all had that boyfriend in high school that we just knew we were going to marry. A "high school sweetheart"... If you remember yours, take a minute to think back on the memories you made together. Talking on the phone all night, walking hand in hand down the hallway, trying to be a couple, those were probably some of the best memories of your life. In high school, we thought we knew what love was. You probably thought your high school sweetheart was the man you were going to marry. For some, it happens, but for most, it doesn’t. I will never get the chance to find out...
I strongly believe my "high school sweetheart" was my soulmate; still do. We met in English class, and, of course, we started as just friends. Then one day, I get a note with my name on it but no "from" name. I’m so mad I can’t remember what the note said word for word, but it was some corny pickup line that made me laugh... I looked up to see who it could be from and there he was, smiling goofily back at me. He continued to make me laugh and put a smile on my face for 4 years after that day. We went through the typical teenage love stuff that everyone goes through...We talked on the phone all night, did the PDA thing in the hallways, etc. I even convinced him to go to prom with me. He was not the kind of guy that liked to get snazzy or even dance for that matter! For that reason, that was one of the best days of my life. Everyone knew he was mine and I was his. Our bond was unbreakable...We were unsure about the future, but we were sure that wherever we went, we were going together.
Funny how life always has other plans...
For some reason, we lost touch after high school...I think I told him I wanted space or something. I don’t know, some dumbass reason. But we parted ways, and I met my son's father during that time. That was quickly over after my son was born. The universe works in a funny way. I was completely miserable when I was with my son's father. I went through so much abuse after my son was born. I knew I had to get out of that situation. At that time, being alone seemed like the end of the world to me. This was before I discovered my self-love... plus I was still young and dumb.
But one day, I was in the store and saw him. There he was and he was coming my way... my high school sweetheart! My first thought was, "Damn, he’s looking good." My second thought was, "Girl, you have no chance in hell. You left him and had a baby with another man. He’s not going to take you back. " Oh boy, was I wrong... When he finally reached me, we greeted each other with words. Then we hugged and I will never forget all my feelings coming rushing back all at once. It was as if we had never broken up, and he instantly accepted my child as his own. He and my son spent so much time together that he was always keeping my baby smiling. We were building on ourselves again, and the future we discussed in the past now felt possible. It felt good...More importantly, it felt right!
But life doesn’t care how happy you are, it will always be there to ruin it somehow. I spent the night with him the night before his birthday, but had to leave in the morning to grab my son...That was the last time I saw him. He died around noon that day of a heart attack.
I remember receiving the news clearly, like it was yesterday. It seems like that's the only thing I can remember clearly about our relationship now. I was sitting in the car with my sister in our drive-way...I had my 7-month-old son in my lap, and my sister and I were just chatting it up. Then she receives a call from one of my best friends. Why was my best friend calling my sister? That was the question that ran through my mind... but I didn’t think too deeply about it. The phone call was quick, maybe 2-3 minutes...My sister hung up the phone, looked at me, and asked if she could hold my son. She said, "I have to tell you something, but I need you to breathe." I’m sure my face looked confused as I asked, "What was wrong?" Tears started coming down my eyes and my heart began to race because now I can sense it’s something serious. She looks at me and says, "Big D died of a heart attack."
Huh? What?
My heart dropped. I know people say this all the time, but I literally felt my heart drop... I was waiting for "I’m just playing." to come out of my sister’s mouth, but it never came... Only more tears. That's when I knew it wasn’t a cruel joke, this was real...My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes and soon started to fall uncontrollably. This couldn’t be real. I had just left his house that morning, and he didn’t have any complaints. I did not want to believe it. My heart was racing and I could barely breathe. I could barely stand, even though I had insisted on pacing back and forth.
All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. The thought that kept haunting me was the fact that his birthday was the next day—he would have been 21. My dad came and got my son, my sisters and friends came to be by my side, and we reminisced on all the memories we made...There were so many funny memories! He was so much fun and carefree that he always had everyone in stitches.
I knew if I was hurting his mom and dad, they were hurting 10 times more. I gave them a few days to grieve. When I finally spoke to them on the phone, there was so much love! They confirmed his love for me and their love for me. They made it a point to make sure I knew I was invited to sit with the family at the funeral. I felt honored that I made it to the funeral... I say "made it" because I went back and forth with myself on not even going. I was not ready to say goodbye to him. Still not. But I wouldn’t have another chance to see his face, so I made myself go so I could give a proper good bye. When I got my chance to see him in the casket, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just could not say goodbye just yet. I leaned down and whispered in his ear, "I will always love you. I’ll see you later. "
When the funeral was over, I did not follow everyone to the grave site. I may have been hesitant to say goodbye, but I knew I didn't want to see him buried... For me, that makes things real. That would have made his death permanent, and I just wasn't ready for that.
It's been 10 years since he passed away. I still haven’t been to his grave site. I know where it is and everything, but I’m still not ready. In my mind, he is not dead; in my heart, he is not dead... So I refused to go to his resting grounds. Well, more like I’m scared to... I’m scared that when I go to his grave site, he won’t be alive in my head or my heart anymore. I may sound crazy or delusional, but it’s what I believe... And I’m not ready to chance it. So technically, he wasn’t the one that got away... I know where he is. He will forever be in my mind and in my heart. Our spirits will meet again because we always manage to come back to each other.
-MB