Dating is a learning experience. I’ve learned so much while dating, not only about myself but about the process of dating. I made a lot of smart decisions, but I also made a shitload of stupid mistakes!
It's bound to happen. Especially since I started dating after being in a serious relationship, you have to get back into the groove of being single. So yes, I made a ton of mistakes, but I learned from them along the way. After dating for awhile, I started noticing my mistakes and began making mental notes for the future.
Here are the top five mistakes I made while dating…
My first, and what I feel was my biggest mistake, was expecting too much too soon! When I first got back into dating, my mind was still in relationship mode. As soon as I met someone who I had some kind of connection with, I found myself expecting them to act as my partner. I had already set such high expectations for someone I had just started talking to! I hadn’t even met them yet, but I wanted their full attention. I wanted the "happily ever after" before even getting to know the "knight in shining armor." I had to ease up. I never got complaints, though. They just disappeared after awhile. It took me a while to figure out why; it wasn’t like the guy was going to say anything. When I realized what I was doing, I knew I needed some alone time to mentally disconnect from my relationship.
Along with expecting too much too soon, my second mistake was giving too much of myself too soon. I would put all of me out there. I was selling myself early on to keep them around me... But some people don’t deserve to know everything you have to offer as soon as you meet them. I would give them the best of me when they hadn’t earned it yet. These situations usually end in two different ways: 1) They'd try to take advantage of my kindness to see how much they could get out of me, which I don't do. Or 2) the kind gesture would be too much for them, and they would withdraw from me (probably thinking I was clingy or insane)... either way, I had to adjust how much of myself I was giving. You don’t want to show them all your tricks at once, right?
With me having such a kind heart, my third mistake was ignoring the red flags. Everyone tells you to pay attention to the red flags. I was seeing the red flags and completely ignoring them! I understand that nobody is perfect, so I am willing to give the red flags, I guess you could say, "the benefit of the doubt." I should have taken them for what they were, warnings! I always want to help people with their issues because I feel there’s so much more to life than stress and problems. But it’s not my job to fix people; I shouldn’t make people my project. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I understand now.
But Maya Angelou didn’t tell us what to do when they were sex symbols!!! STUCK ON LOOKS is mistake number four. Some of these men out here just know they are sexy as fuck. They’ll have a great smile with nice teeth, pretty eyes, and be well groomed with great style and lick-able bodies. Whew! Something straight out of one of my sexual fantasies. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t get past the looks of attractive men. I will meet a fine man, and the first thing I’m going to want to do is sit on his face. And that is indeed what will happen. I’m not really interested in getting to know them; I’m trying to find out what that mouth does and what that stroke is like LOL. Pure lust. In this situation, the man isn’t the one in it for sex; I am. That’s the only thing I’m going after. Now this one isn’t necessarily a "bad" mistake, but it wasted a lot of time I could have used on actually getting to know someone... But it was still fun.
This last one was a silent but deadly mistake that I had to learn from — setting low expectations. I was tolerant of so little when I was worth so much more. I should have voiced what I expected early on to find out if the person was even capable of making it happen. I’m better than a chill session for the first introduction. I don’t know why, but I felt like I had to wait to voice my worth. I guess I figured my expectations would come up in conversation sooner or later, so I just rolled with the punches and tried to be understanding. But when the conversation never came and I brought it up, they felt I was "switching up" or had already gotten comfortable with the way they were currently treating me. This, however, was my fault. I knew I deserved better, I had to figure out a way to voice my worth and make sure their actions matched in the future.
These mistakes seem like common sense as I look over them now, but sometimes common sense isn’t so common... and these aren’t the only mistakes I made. No way, no how... I wrote down all my dating mistakes and chose what I felt my top biggest mistakes were. The ones I learned the most from. The lessons that spoke louder than the others were mistakes that I feel a lot of people make. Well, maybe not the STUCK ON LOOKS mistake. I feel that may just be a me thing.
The important thing is that I was able to point out my mistakes and adjust. We make mistakes all the time in life, so it's bound to happen while dating. The secret is learning to laugh at yourself when you make those mistakes. Don’t take them too personally.
Try to envision what a perfect dating situation would look like for you. Try to imagine what it would feel and sound like. And then think to yourself what you need to do personally to make it possible. Once you figure out what you need to do, that’s when you’ll be able to know what you need from your potential partner while dating. Keep your vision in mind so if things aren’t going the way you envisioned, you can either adjust the way you’re moving or move on. This is a method I came up with, and it's somehow been working for me. I guess I should look at my vision as a guide to what I know I want and don’t want…keeps my eye on the prize, so to speak.
-MB
